That is the newest epic marmalade of DOOM™, which consists of Pineapple Oranges, Valencia Oranges, Clementines, Starfruit and Lemon, sweetened with a combo of cane sugar and clover honey, and spiced with cinnamon and clove.
I discovered several things in the process:
1. The grapefruit marmalade, since it's intended to have a bitter undertaste, was SO MUCH FASTER AND EASIER YE GODS. All the fruit prep it required was quartering up the fruit, getting out the giant seeds, boiling the hell out of it and then stuffing it all in the food processor on "shred".
This stuff? Everything, of course, has ten million tiny seeds. And I needed the rind off some of them, but NOT the pith, which meant attempting to do it with our cheapo vegetable peeler for 30 minutes before throwing it across the room and attacking the buggers with a paring knife.
2. All those microscopic cuts you just got on your hands from using the paring knife? What, you didn't get any? Yes you did. You're about to cut up 15 tons of oranges and lemons, they're going to make themselves LOUDLY known.
3. That "squirt juice directly in your eye" gag from old movies? Totally possible. Multiple times. Especially with lemons.
4. #2 and 3 gave me the title of the post, and nearly had me naming the finished product "Candle & Axe" for the hell of it.
5. However, after adding the cinnamon and cloves, I decided on "Krampus", because it's Christmassy, twisted, and cloven.
Krampus is pretty much the anti-Santa Claus, a cloven-hooved demon known for coming for the Bad children and (depending on the tale) doing anything from stealing them away to torture, to simply stealing their Christmas oranges.
So these may end up being holiday gifts for some close friends. We shall see!