Right now I am, to use a crappy metaphor, a crystal ball that has been wrapped in duct tape and then hit with a hammer. I'm managing to hold together the basic cohesive shape for external purposes but on the inside I am a mass of crazed shards. The only thing that will truly do anything for it is time.
Raist is actually holding up okay. I'm not sure if it's actually sunk in yet for him, he's been distracted by me constantly cuddling him and crying (which he loves/hates, in that order. Yay pettins! Aggh, Mom, you're DAMP, cut it out!). He is a bit perturbed by his brother not being around but still seems to be reacting to it as a temporary thing. Maybe it will pass without trauma for him. I kind of hope so.
The night he passed we were actually hosting a gathering of people. His decline was so sudden that literally by the time we knew it was happening it was too late to cancel. We would have spent all night at the door turning people away, so we figured that people around to help with the wake was as good as anything. Friends plied me with much booze and even made me laugh once, doted on Raist and held me when I broke down. It was very appreciated. During the trauma I'd totally forgotten it was the Perseid Shower, and at one point I randomly looked up to see a single shooting star arc across the sky and I started crying again.
Friends were concerned and I waved them off. "I just remembered a myth I heard when I was a kid... I think it was Egyptian. A shooting star means a soul has been judged worthy by Osiris and it is ascending. So Chunkabutt's now grabbing Bast by the boob and demanding belly rubs." There were a lot more tears over the course of the evening but that point, silly as it is, made me feel a bit better.
I have a statue I bought many years ago that was simply entitled "Cat." It's basically a perfect fat oval with a smug feline expression carved at the top, and it always reminded me of Caramon completely.I like to think he has become his embodiment, a being of pure roundness, passion for life, adoration, and self-confidence. He should keep the heavens hopping for a while, anyway.