Mel Hynes (takhisis) wrote,
Mel Hynes

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Also for a laugh

Even though I grew up in the Napa wine country, I'm not a wine snob. I can't tell you years or vinyards by tasting a vintage. Hell, I'd have a hard time telling you a Chardonnay from a White Zin or a Gewurtz if it's dry enough. I do not have zee reefyned pahlatte, non. I tend to buy wine based on two factors: if it's A. something I've had before and I know it's good, or B. it has a really funny name/label and I must try it. It's how I started drinking Smoking Loon (with their distinctive "WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP *COUGH COUGH* WHOOP" cork) among others. I get cases imported from Windsor Vinyards when I can afford it because they're very tasty and my family's been doing custom orders from them for years now. It's a fairly simple set of rules and I don't pretend to be pretentious or know what I'm talking about, although I can sling the wine-tasting bullshit verbiage with the best of them. "Ah yes, a saucy, piquant little red... good nose, a hint of chocolate and aged cherrywood... heady bouquet, fine legs, although the ass is starting to sag..." ;D

Anyway, as I was filling up my car tonight I nipped into the gas station to buy us some beer (thanks to the zoning laws, I can do so near my work but not within 5 miles of home). As I was wandering through their small wine section a label caught my eye "3 Blind Moose". The name and label both cracked me up, and it was on sale, so I grabbed a bottle of Chardonnay and brought it home. (After having to convince the cashier 3 times, with 2 different forms of ID, that I was old enough. CRIPES. I should take it as a compliment, but still...) I figured it would probably be mediocre, given the price, but at worst I hadn't wasted that much money. Come home and open it and WOW. This stuff is TASTY. As in would-expect-to-pay-3-or-4-times-as-much-tasty. Maybe it's a fluke and their reds blow, but so far I count these guys as a hidden winner.

I suggest to J. that he try some. From his years as a fine dining waiter, he has a lot more schooling in wine snootiness than I do, and he likes to show it off with new vintages. He brings the glass up and tips it to smell the bouquet. And slips. Resulting in him managing to snort a coke-fiend sized dose of Chardonnay straight up his nose. I haven't seen so much running around and howling and hysterical sneezing since the cats made the mistake of trying to sneak a taste of hot mustard off my dinner plate. I'm still dying just remembering it. THIS is why I avoid wine pretention, ladies and germs... not just because I admit I don't know what I'm talking about, but it's downright hazardous to your health. Or at least your sinuses.
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