Mel Hynes (takhisis) wrote,
Mel Hynes
takhisis

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Why yes, I do have a lightning rod.

This started over in orobouros's LJ when he asked people to give their take on what's occurring in the book of Genesis, for comparative versions. I ended up getting carried away. Now I'm looking at doing the whole book eventually. But here's chapter 1, at least:

In the beginning of what we know, God got bored and decided to get creative. But soon God realized that s/he was working in the dark, and everything was turning out pretty blobby. And God said "YO! A little light over here!" And there was some, because, y'know, God. Duh.

And God said "Okay, this is a Good Thing." And s/he picked the Dark out of the Light like those nasty black jellybeans nobody wants to eat, and tucked the Good stuff away for later. And God said "Okay, good jellybeans: Day. Icky funky jellybeans: Night. That way nobody will get confused and kvetch at me later." Then God went and took a Power Nap.

Next morning, God looked at the creation-in-progress and said "Okay, I need the squooshy bits over here, and the solid bits over here." And God patted and molded, and said "Arright. You tensile bits: you're Land. And the sloppy bits, you're Sea. You each get your own side, and if you don't behave I'm turning this creation around RIGHT now, you hear me?" And the waters and the lands did sulk and mutter about how He Started It, and God nodded his/her head sternly in approval. And God did say "If you're bored, I'll give you something to do. Land, you go and sprout a bunch of grean leafy things, and they'd better bring forth fruit and seed after their own kind, young mister, or you'll be starting all over again." And the Land did scuff its feet and go to its room to do its homework. And God decided to catch another nap.

God awoke, crying "Where's all this Me-damned light coming from? How am I supposed sleep through this?!" Then s/he remembered that s/he created it, and really had nobody else to blame. So God tossed an empty lager can at the light and broke it into a lot of tiny glowing bits. But there were still a couple of large chunks of light hovering around and being generally garish. God grabbed the larger wad of light, slapped it around a bit until it was roundish, and snarled "Okay, you. You rule the Day. I officially declare this time to be Night, so go skulk somewhere for the next eight hours or so."

"B-but..." the Greater Light stammered.

"Or would you rather hang around and come up with a couple million flowering things that bear fruit and seed and-"

"RIGHT!" And the Sun did zip over the horizon. The Lesser light curled into a barely-glowing ball, and the fragments puckered themselves into pinpricks. God nodded in approval. "Good. You guys can stay. Take a break when the big bastard gets back." And God returned to his/her nap.

When God woke to find the Seas munching on chips and playing Nintendo, he said "That's it, you little freeloader. I want a million species essay on beasts and creatures, from creeping to flying. And I want at least two paragraphs on whales! I like whales, they sing like my Mother." And the Seas did sulk and stomp off to their room, trailing a few preliminary creatures. And God did glare at the living things.

"You lot, quit scrabbling around on my hardwood floor! Go be fruitful and multiply or something. Keep that little rat busy for a while."

"Glub," said the Birds of the Sky.

"Oh, crap. Probably shouldn't have put the birds in the Seas, should I? That'll go to Land. LAAAAAA-AAAAAND!" And Land did appear, staggering under a metric ton of paperwork.

"I think I'm done, sir/ma'am. I've got all the plants catalogued and stable. Can I have a rest no-"

"Land! Just in time! Take these Birds of the Sky and get them multiplying. And while you're at it, we need cattle and uh, creeping things. All of them multiplying after their own kind, yadda yadda. You know the drill." God waved his/her hand dismissively at the Land.

"Oh, bugger" said the Land.

"I don't want to hear it, you sprat," said God. "Things are tough all over. Even I've missed a nap in here someplace."

"No disrespect, sir/ma'am, but haven't you ever heard of outsourcing? This is getting frigging ridiculous."

"I suppose you're right," God sighed. "Okay, I'll create mankind in our own image, and put them in control over the Birds and Beasts and Creeping Stuff. You can focus on plants. But I reserve the right to micro-manage, you hear Me?!" And the Land nodded and yessirma'am'ed and beat a hasty retreat. So God scraped up some leftover bits and created Man and Woman.

"Thank Me we'll have a little more help around here," God muttered, then raised his/her voice. "REJOICE, thou Humans, for I hast given thee life and promoted thee to Middle Management! Be fruitful and create more in our likeness and Vision Paradigm, and rule over the Birds and Fish and Creeping Things To Be Named at a Further Date as Per Contract."

And mankind did say, "So.. rule. Like, in charge? Total dominion?"

"I suppose so," said God. And mankind did rub its hands together and snicker gleefully.

"By the way," spake God, "There's also this Plant thing going on. Feel free to use those resources, both for yourself, but mostly to supplement the whole Creeping Beast project. Got it?"

"Check!" And mankind did scamper off into the Land's room without even knocking, and God did hear an outraged shout come forth, and the beginnings of a squabble. God wiped a tired hand over his/her face, and decided it was more than time for another nap.
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